Heart Away

Given Rose
It's such a shame
You've left the hand
Yet I'm to blame

Taken Rose
One cannot see
Your fate is love
My love is grief

Fallen Rose
If left behind
To walk your path
See true the blind

Savored Grace
I will not leave
For fallen flower's
Hidden keep

Inner Strength
Look past to see
Your colored life
Now withered be

~wbv

This Second

Yesterday is lost

Tomorrow is a possibility, not a guarantee

This second is yours without doubt

And then it passes

Longing for yesterday or waiting for tomorrow

While this second passes by

Is a shame

Live today, be today, cherish this second

And understand that in the grand scheme of things

There is little else that matters

~wbv

Time To Live Again

The time has come
I've been waiting too long
Years have passed
And time disappeared

Waiting more is worthless
Tomorrow isn't enough
I'm tired of running
Tired of hiding

From life.

No longer will I run
Or be robbed of the present
I will speak today, save today,
Love today, and be today

I refuse to stay in your prison
I will not be held by your shackles
It is time to be free
Time to walk away

From you.

You will not keep me
Will not trap me
And will not hurt me
With your scornful eyes

You words mean nothing
Air pollution at best
Your confusion and control
Must come to an end

Today.

No more waiting
No more running
No more hiding
No more hurting

The time has come
Time for life to go on
Time for you to go to hell.
The time has come to

Live again.

~wbv

No Regrets

I love the place that I am in life.
I do not regret it at all.
I don’t regret kids—or my wife,
I am absolutely thrilled with my situation.
I am blessed to be here.

And I don't regret running away once--it was an experience I'll never forget
I don't regret the bad decisions I made growing up
I don't regret hurting all the people I hurt
I don't regret any of the relationships that I've had, or lost
I don't regret loving the people I've loved
I don't regret hating the people I've hated
I don't regret falling in love over and over--only to hurt and to be hurt
I don't regret the sand
I don't regret the many late nights
I don't regret the lies I've told
I don't regret the money I've lost--whether for good causes or for bad
I don't regret Tyler Texas
I don't regret anywhere else
I don't even regret Kansas
I don't regret the bus ride
I don't regret Pizza Hut
I don't regret angering people
I don't regret going out on my own
I don't regret my beliefs (and/or lack thereof)
I don't regret the rain
I don't regret the weed
I don't regret that trip to the state fair
I don't regret the relentless pursuit
I don't regret the phone call
I don't regret the music, the art, or the writing
I don't regret the times people think I'm nuts
I don't regret business, marketing, or money
I don't regret any job I've ever had
I don't regret Junior High
I don't regret High School
I don't regret anything between or after
I don't regret making out in the park
I don't regret lying about what I was doing
I don't regret church
I don't regret not going to church
I don't regret having a mentor
I don't regret losing the same
I don't regret Live Oak
I don't regret Anaheim Hills
I don't regret the Queen Mary--or anything for the 2 weeks before
I don't regret Beach Blvd
I don't regret "the contract"
I don't regret everything but
I don't regret staying the night
I don't regret Billy Joel
I don't regret the walks on cold nights
I don't regret YRH
I don't regret September 11th (It's my birthday, nimwit)
I don't regret October 16th of 93
I don't regret November 16th of 94
I don't regret leaving you
I don't regret you leaving me
I don't regret being sensitive
I don't regret thinking "too much"
I don't regret losing touch
I don't regret finding each-other again
I don't regret telling the truth
I don't regret the things you know about me
I don't regret the things you don't know
I don't regret being lied to
I don't regret being misled
I don't regret yesterday, or today

It may be hard to understand
but I just don't regret where I am
And I don't regret any of the things
that led me to this place,
Which means everything above and more...

However I got here--whether through good or evil,
happiness or sadness,
anger, joy, love, or hate--I am glad I am here,
and I would never want to be
anywhere else.

Everything has made me who I am
And I can't regret it, not at all
Call me selfish, hate me even (you won't be the first)
But I am happy to be here and have
no regrets as to how I reached this place
No matter how bumpy the road

If I've loved you--good
I've you've loved me--great
I've we hate each other--perfect
If you never knew me--you did your part

Somehow, I regret nothing.

And I don't regret writing it down.

~wbv

Into Focus

Things have been a little busy lately. I've been working, working, and working more. Between two jobs and innumerable attempts at "business", I've got my hands full on the professional side of things. Then there's home. My two-year-old needs time with his daddy. The new baby needs time with her daddy too. My wife deserves time with her husband.

I've found it difficult to juggle all this, but not impossible. I think the key for me personally has been to not let myself get too scattered. The more focused I am, the less overwhelming everything is. Seeing the "big picture" isn't so much having "grand vision" as it is being able to see each piece of the puzzle in focus--one piece at a time.

Sometimes we get caught up in the "whole", while the only thing necessary is to focus on the "part" that is before us currently. Right now, this moment, this screen, this word... bringing one thing into focus, in the end, is often far more beneficial than seeing the whole picture in a blur.

Stranger In My Home

Did you hear that?
I heard something
Someone is here
Someone besides me
I'm looking around but I can't see...
THERE, there he is!
It's a man. There's a man in my home.
It's nobody I know
Just some stranger
There's a stranger in my home.
He's looking at me
I don't know what to do
Do I run and hide?
Do I stay and fight?

I just don't know.
So I turn away from the mirror
And leave the stranger
For another day.

Moving On

About a year and a half ago my wife and I moved back to our "home" from the state of California. We've moved a bunch of times in the last several years... from the Midwest to Southern California, and after moving several places in So-cal, on to Northern California. Then, somehow, I suppose because we started having kids, we ended up back "home" in the Midwest. I don't doubt that we'll move again. God willing, it will be within the next 5 to 10 years.

All this moving has taught us some things. One of them is, as the cliche goes, is that "distance makes the heart grow fonder. For myself, I'd need to adjust this saying for it to really work for me. I'd have to say something like "Distance makes the heart grow fonder ... but only after you have kids and you want them to see their grandparents." It was at that point that I really started missing "home".

I have realized now that while distance makes the heart grow fonder, moving home causes you to remember all the reasons why you left in the first place. For example, I hate the weather here at "home". It's miserable. It always has been and probably will be as long as I live. I do like the occasional storms I guess--but the rest of it just sucks.

There have been many many times in my life when I've had to "move on". I've had to let go of some ideal that I had, some dream of perfection that was never meant to be, and just leave. It seems my dreams of home have been shown for what they are: just dreams.

I've had to move on at various times in my life from friendships and relationships ... either because I chose to end a relationship or because I had no choice. It seems as if the same thing is happening yet again, in so many ways, and on so many levels. This is beyond geography now, I hope you understand. It is social but even more so personal, and even spiritual.

I think we'll be in the Midwest for a few more years, after which time we'll "move on"... even if only in an idealogical sense.

Abandoned

You said you were my friend
I thought you'd never leave
It seems as though your gone now
Though my mind still can't believe

I thought I'd have your friendship
Until the day I die
When I think about your absence
Tears come to my eyes

If only I could see you
And talk with you once more
Maybe we could find a way
To be just like before

Sometimes I sit and ask myself
How this ever came to be
But I just can't answer the question
Of why you abandoned m...

Oh wait, Never mind. I forgot.

I abandoned you.

The Case For *Shrug*

Once upon a time, I saw everything in black and white. It was either right or wrong, good or bad, true or false.

Back then I saw it as a good thing. I justified this by using the idea that I shouldn't be "luke warm" but needed to be "hot or cold". As a result, I always saw myself as falling on one side of the line ... either completely good or completely bad. If it was a good day, I was "good". If I screwed something up, I was "bad".

That philosophy did nothing for me or the rest of the world but put a deeper divide between us. I lost a lot of friends to this thinking ... most of whom, today, I still haven't gained back.

Today I live in the gray area. Most of the things I was "black and white" about before I've realized I can't possibly know for sure. Being dogmatic on any one point has become far less important to me than just figuring out how to live and get along in the world according to a few simple ideas.

If knowledge is power, admitting you don't know is nuclear power. It's hard to argue with (*shrug*).

A good friend of mine, who I'd classify as a 'neo-conservative' fundamentalist, considers me a liberal. Other people in my circle of friends probably think I'm going to hell. Why am I damned? Because I have refused to lie to myself about that of which I couldn't possibly be sure. I've refused to tell myself I'm right... and have instead embraced the fact that life and the One who created it are both bigger than I am, and I can't possibly figure either of them out. Are there some things about which I'm sure? Absolutely. Just not the "right" things.

So am I horribly evil? Nahhh. I'm only mildly evil. I'm no more evil than I was before. If anything, I'm less so ... because I'm far less destructive than I used to be. I've nearly destroyed other lives, relationships, and more all in an effort to be "right". No more of that. I'm ready to do my best to heal the wounds and to repair the damage that has been done, and to go on with life.

Do not be overrighteous,
neither be overwise—
why destroy yourself?

Do not be overwicked,
and do not be a fool—
why die before your time?

It is good to grasp the one
and not let go of the other.
The man who fears God will avoid all extremes .

(Ecclesiastes 7:16-18)

(*shrug*)

Who Are You?

I waited patiently for you. I searched the horizon for signs of you. For the longest time I eagerly anticipated seeing you, but when I finally found you I was disillusioned at the first sight of you. My anticipation turned to angst. My eagerness to be held quickly became a longing to be free. I have spent many hours and days imagining how I would run to you. Now my only desire is to run away.

I can't sleep because of you. I am awake until morning, night after night. The sunrise that used to bring tender thoughts of you now brings the dull pain that is a sickening reminder of all that you once meant to me.

My health is failing. My mind has been weakened... a result of the wounds that you caused. The burning within me has been snuffed out by your lies. You stole my passion.

You infiltrated every part of my life. That's where your "power" seems to lie. You have so overtaken me that if I remove you there will likely be nothing left. "I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I built my life around you." (~Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac)

Because of this, I am not the person I thought I was. I deceived myself into thinking I was someone who I'm not. I am not who I thought I was, because you are not who I thought you were.

I am grappling for peace and will find it without your help. I will overcome the trials you've brought upon me. You will not destroy me.

I know that you are not who I thought you were. I really don't want to know who you are.

~brian vogt

Progress

I realized the other day that the way I measure progress has changed considerably over the last few years. Seven or eight years ago I measured progress in a way that most people, generally speaking, would agree with. I had any number of goals towards which I worked, and when I reach one of those goals, I called that progress.

Lately, I've been making a different kind of progress. It's so different that a few short years ago I wouldn't have considered this progress at all. I'd have been depressed, anxious, worried, and perhaps just plain pissed off at the world and myself for my lack of progress--for doing the same things that I now call progress.

I have been making a lot of what I call progress lately, not by reaching a bunch of goals, but instead by deciding on a bunch of goals that aren't important enough to be reached. I've cut down my lists of "have to"s and "want to"s to a very small percentage of what they used to be. This hasn't caused me to reach any more of my goals than before. What it HAS caused me to do is eliminate all the stupid ones so that I don't waste my time on them.

There are some things that are important in life, and other things that are not. We should go to great lengths to spend as much energy as possible on those things that ARE actually important, and as little energy as possible on those that are not. Progress doesn't have to always be "succeeding" at something on your list of priorities. Progress can be cutting your list down to those things that matter and affect your life most.

The F-Bomb Vs The L-Bomb

Have you ever used the "F-word"? I have.

Sometimes, using the so-called "F-bomb" in a conversation can result in a negative reaction from people. If you say it to your waitress, your honey glazed chicken may have a little more glaze than just honey. Much of the time though, for better or for worse, the f-word is pretty acceptable. I have several close friends and acquaintances that use it regularly in conversation. If I were to also use it, in the context of whatever conversation we might be having, they probably wouldn't think anything of it.

There is another word that is often not too acceptable in a number of situations. It's what I'm calling the "L-Bomb", for no good reason, other than that it starts with "L". I've used it quite a few times and gotten a negative response. If you used it with your waitress (even a different one than you used the F-bomb with), you might still get an extra glaze of spit on your honey glazed chicken. It is generally NOT acceptable to use in everyday conversation and very few people in my life actually ever say it to me.

The "L-Bomb" ... is "love". Somehow, "love" has become a pretty dangerous word to use. There are endless examples of situations in which a person can openly and freely use the F-word. In any of those situations, if the same person were to openly and freely use the L-word, they would quickly become a social outcast. What is so wrong with using the word "love"? Some people would say that the L-word isn't a word that you should just throw around, and I actually agree. You should only use the L-word if you mean it. Even then, being used by someone fully qualified to use it (because they actually mean it), the word "love" somehow still manages to get strange looks, awkward silences, and the general feeling of "you're a F@*#ing weirdo" as a response from many of its recipients.

For a long time, I have had this *strange* philosophy that basically says, "If you love someone, TELL THEM." What I've found through about 16 years of acting on this philosophy, is that in cases where using the word "love" isn't acceptable, MEANING it is even less acceptable. It amazes me that something like the F-word has become more acceptable than one of the most profound and meaningful things that human beings are capable of saying or doing. Say F@#$ to someone, and they'll usually stick around to hear the next word. Say you love someone, and they run and hide. I just don't get it.

Maybe people are afraid. Or maybe love isn't normal. Maybe I've become such a softy that I just love everyone too much. NO, wait a minute, I was like this BEFORE I was a softy... So never mind. That can't be it.

I really don't know the answer to this dilemma. I do know that there are a lot of people whom I love, and the vast majority of them aren't at all comfortable hearing about it. Even some of the people I love the most probably don't want to hear it. Why not? I don't know. Maybe they're secretly longing for me to tell them to F#$@ off.

I guess I'll continue fighting the good fight ... trying to increase acceptance for the L-Bomb over that of the F-Bomb. I'll tell people I love them, and let them squirm around and wiggle their way out of the situation ... flopping around like fish out of water because I, the F$#%@ing weirdo, once again so unnaturally dropped the L-Bomb on them. If you haven't realized this before, you can now consider yourself warned: I might love you... and worse yet, I might actually tell you that I love you. Don't say I didn't warn you.