Once upon a time, I saw everything in black and white. It was either right or wrong, good or bad, true or false.
Back then I saw it as a good thing. I justified this by using the idea that I shouldn't be "luke warm" but needed to be "hot or cold". As a result, I always saw myself as falling on one side of the line ... either completely good or completely bad. If it was a good day, I was "good". If I screwed something up, I was "bad".
That philosophy did nothing for me or the rest of the world but put a deeper divide between us. I lost a lot of friends to this thinking ... most of whom, today, I still haven't gained back.
Today I live in the gray area. Most of the things I was "black and white" about before I've realized I can't possibly know for sure. Being dogmatic on any one point has become far less important to me than just figuring out how to live and get along in the world according to a few simple ideas.
If knowledge is power, admitting you don't know is nuclear power. It's hard to argue with (*shrug*).
A good friend of mine, who I'd classify as a 'neo-conservative' fundamentalist, considers me a liberal. Other people in my circle of friends probably think I'm going to hell. Why am I damned? Because I have refused to lie to myself about that of which I couldn't possibly be sure. I've refused to tell myself I'm right... and have instead embraced the fact that life and the One who created it are both bigger than I am, and I can't possibly figure either of them out. Are there some things about which I'm sure? Absolutely. Just not the "right" things.
So am I horribly evil? Nahhh. I'm only mildly evil. I'm no more evil than I was before. If anything, I'm less so ... because I'm far less destructive than I used to be. I've nearly destroyed other lives, relationships, and more all in an effort to be "right". No more of that. I'm ready to do my best to heal the wounds and to repair the damage that has been done, and to go on with life.
Do not be overrighteous,
neither be overwise—
why destroy yourself?
Do not be overwicked,
and do not be a fool—
why die before your time?
It is good to grasp the one
and not let go of the other.
The man who fears God will avoid all extremes .
(Ecclesiastes 7:16-18)
(*shrug*)
Friday, December 1, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
Who Are You?
I waited patiently for you. I searched the horizon for signs of you. For the longest time I eagerly anticipated seeing you, but when I finally found you I was disillusioned at the first sight of you. My anticipation turned to angst. My eagerness to be held quickly became a longing to be free. I have spent many hours and days imagining how I would run to you. Now my only desire is to run away.
I can't sleep because of you. I am awake until morning, night after night. The sunrise that used to bring tender thoughts of you now brings the dull pain that is a sickening reminder of all that you once meant to me.
My health is failing. My mind has been weakened... a result of the wounds that you caused. The burning within me has been snuffed out by your lies. You stole my passion.
You infiltrated every part of my life. That's where your "power" seems to lie. You have so overtaken me that if I remove you there will likely be nothing left. "I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I built my life around you." (~Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac)
Because of this, I am not the person I thought I was. I deceived myself into thinking I was someone who I'm not. I am not who I thought I was, because you are not who I thought you were.
I am grappling for peace and will find it without your help. I will overcome the trials you've brought upon me. You will not destroy me.
I know that you are not who I thought you were. I really don't want to know who you are.
~brian vogt
I can't sleep because of you. I am awake until morning, night after night. The sunrise that used to bring tender thoughts of you now brings the dull pain that is a sickening reminder of all that you once meant to me.
My health is failing. My mind has been weakened... a result of the wounds that you caused. The burning within me has been snuffed out by your lies. You stole my passion.
You infiltrated every part of my life. That's where your "power" seems to lie. You have so overtaken me that if I remove you there will likely be nothing left. "I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I built my life around you." (~Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac)
Because of this, I am not the person I thought I was. I deceived myself into thinking I was someone who I'm not. I am not who I thought I was, because you are not who I thought you were.
I am grappling for peace and will find it without your help. I will overcome the trials you've brought upon me. You will not destroy me.
I know that you are not who I thought you were. I really don't want to know who you are.
~brian vogt
Monday, November 13, 2006
Progress
I realized the other day that the way I measure progress has changed considerably over the last few years. Seven or eight years ago I measured progress in a way that most people, generally speaking, would agree with. I had any number of goals towards which I worked, and when I reach one of those goals, I called that progress.
Lately, I've been making a different kind of progress. It's so different that a few short years ago I wouldn't have considered this progress at all. I'd have been depressed, anxious, worried, and perhaps just plain pissed off at the world and myself for my lack of progress--for doing the same things that I now call progress.
I have been making a lot of what I call progress lately, not by reaching a bunch of goals, but instead by deciding on a bunch of goals that aren't important enough to be reached. I've cut down my lists of "have to"s and "want to"s to a very small percentage of what they used to be. This hasn't caused me to reach any more of my goals than before. What it HAS caused me to do is eliminate all the stupid ones so that I don't waste my time on them.
There are some things that are important in life, and other things that are not. We should go to great lengths to spend as much energy as possible on those things that ARE actually important, and as little energy as possible on those that are not. Progress doesn't have to always be "succeeding" at something on your list of priorities. Progress can be cutting your list down to those things that matter and affect your life most.
Lately, I've been making a different kind of progress. It's so different that a few short years ago I wouldn't have considered this progress at all. I'd have been depressed, anxious, worried, and perhaps just plain pissed off at the world and myself for my lack of progress--for doing the same things that I now call progress.
I have been making a lot of what I call progress lately, not by reaching a bunch of goals, but instead by deciding on a bunch of goals that aren't important enough to be reached. I've cut down my lists of "have to"s and "want to"s to a very small percentage of what they used to be. This hasn't caused me to reach any more of my goals than before. What it HAS caused me to do is eliminate all the stupid ones so that I don't waste my time on them.
There are some things that are important in life, and other things that are not. We should go to great lengths to spend as much energy as possible on those things that ARE actually important, and as little energy as possible on those that are not. Progress doesn't have to always be "succeeding" at something on your list of priorities. Progress can be cutting your list down to those things that matter and affect your life most.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
The F-Bomb Vs The L-Bomb
Have you ever used the "F-word"? I have.
Sometimes, using the so-called "F-bomb" in a conversation can result in a negative reaction from people. If you say it to your waitress, your honey glazed chicken may have a little more glaze than just honey. Much of the time though, for better or for worse, the f-word is pretty acceptable. I have several close friends and acquaintances that use it regularly in conversation. If I were to also use it, in the context of whatever conversation we might be having, they probably wouldn't think anything of it.
There is another word that is often not too acceptable in a number of situations. It's what I'm calling the "L-Bomb", for no good reason, other than that it starts with "L". I've used it quite a few times and gotten a negative response. If you used it with your waitress (even a different one than you used the F-bomb with), you might still get an extra glaze of spit on your honey glazed chicken. It is generally NOT acceptable to use in everyday conversation and very few people in my life actually ever say it to me.
The "L-Bomb" ... is "love". Somehow, "love" has become a pretty dangerous word to use. There are endless examples of situations in which a person can openly and freely use the F-word. In any of those situations, if the same person were to openly and freely use the L-word, they would quickly become a social outcast. What is so wrong with using the word "love"? Some people would say that the L-word isn't a word that you should just throw around, and I actually agree. You should only use the L-word if you mean it. Even then, being used by someone fully qualified to use it (because they actually mean it), the word "love" somehow still manages to get strange looks, awkward silences, and the general feeling of "you're a F@*#ing weirdo" as a response from many of its recipients.
For a long time, I have had this *strange* philosophy that basically says, "If you love someone, TELL THEM." What I've found through about 16 years of acting on this philosophy, is that in cases where using the word "love" isn't acceptable, MEANING it is even less acceptable. It amazes me that something like the F-word has become more acceptable than one of the most profound and meaningful things that human beings are capable of saying or doing. Say F@#$ to someone, and they'll usually stick around to hear the next word. Say you love someone, and they run and hide. I just don't get it.
Maybe people are afraid. Or maybe love isn't normal. Maybe I've become such a softy that I just love everyone too much. NO, wait a minute, I was like this BEFORE I was a softy... So never mind. That can't be it.
I really don't know the answer to this dilemma. I do know that there are a lot of people whom I love, and the vast majority of them aren't at all comfortable hearing about it. Even some of the people I love the most probably don't want to hear it. Why not? I don't know. Maybe they're secretly longing for me to tell them to F#$@ off.
I guess I'll continue fighting the good fight ... trying to increase acceptance for the L-Bomb over that of the F-Bomb. I'll tell people I love them, and let them squirm around and wiggle their way out of the situation ... flopping around like fish out of water because I, the F$#%@ing weirdo, once again so unnaturally dropped the L-Bomb on them. If you haven't realized this before, you can now consider yourself warned: I might love you... and worse yet, I might actually tell you that I love you. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Sometimes, using the so-called "F-bomb" in a conversation can result in a negative reaction from people. If you say it to your waitress, your honey glazed chicken may have a little more glaze than just honey. Much of the time though, for better or for worse, the f-word is pretty acceptable. I have several close friends and acquaintances that use it regularly in conversation. If I were to also use it, in the context of whatever conversation we might be having, they probably wouldn't think anything of it.
There is another word that is often not too acceptable in a number of situations. It's what I'm calling the "L-Bomb", for no good reason, other than that it starts with "L". I've used it quite a few times and gotten a negative response. If you used it with your waitress (even a different one than you used the F-bomb with), you might still get an extra glaze of spit on your honey glazed chicken. It is generally NOT acceptable to use in everyday conversation and very few people in my life actually ever say it to me.
The "L-Bomb" ... is "love". Somehow, "love" has become a pretty dangerous word to use. There are endless examples of situations in which a person can openly and freely use the F-word. In any of those situations, if the same person were to openly and freely use the L-word, they would quickly become a social outcast. What is so wrong with using the word "love"? Some people would say that the L-word isn't a word that you should just throw around, and I actually agree. You should only use the L-word if you mean it. Even then, being used by someone fully qualified to use it (because they actually mean it), the word "love" somehow still manages to get strange looks, awkward silences, and the general feeling of "you're a F@*#ing weirdo" as a response from many of its recipients.
For a long time, I have had this *strange* philosophy that basically says, "If you love someone, TELL THEM." What I've found through about 16 years of acting on this philosophy, is that in cases where using the word "love" isn't acceptable, MEANING it is even less acceptable. It amazes me that something like the F-word has become more acceptable than one of the most profound and meaningful things that human beings are capable of saying or doing. Say F@#$ to someone, and they'll usually stick around to hear the next word. Say you love someone, and they run and hide. I just don't get it.
Maybe people are afraid. Or maybe love isn't normal. Maybe I've become such a softy that I just love everyone too much. NO, wait a minute, I was like this BEFORE I was a softy... So never mind. That can't be it.
I really don't know the answer to this dilemma. I do know that there are a lot of people whom I love, and the vast majority of them aren't at all comfortable hearing about it. Even some of the people I love the most probably don't want to hear it. Why not? I don't know. Maybe they're secretly longing for me to tell them to F#$@ off.
I guess I'll continue fighting the good fight ... trying to increase acceptance for the L-Bomb over that of the F-Bomb. I'll tell people I love them, and let them squirm around and wiggle their way out of the situation ... flopping around like fish out of water because I, the F$#%@ing weirdo, once again so unnaturally dropped the L-Bomb on them. If you haven't realized this before, you can now consider yourself warned: I might love you... and worse yet, I might actually tell you that I love you. Don't say I didn't warn you.