No Regrets

I love the place that I am in life.
I do not regret it at all.
I don’t regret kids—or my wife,
I am absolutely thrilled with my situation.
I am blessed to be here.

And I don't regret running away once--it was an experience I'll never forget
I don't regret the bad decisions I made growing up
I don't regret hurting all the people I hurt
I don't regret any of the relationships that I've had, or lost
I don't regret loving the people I've loved
I don't regret hating the people I've hated
I don't regret falling in love over and over--only to hurt and to be hurt
I don't regret the sand
I don't regret the many late nights
I don't regret the lies I've told
I don't regret the money I've lost--whether for good causes or for bad
I don't regret Tyler Texas
I don't regret anywhere else
I don't even regret Kansas
I don't regret the bus ride
I don't regret Pizza Hut
I don't regret angering people
I don't regret going out on my own
I don't regret my beliefs (and/or lack thereof)
I don't regret the rain
I don't regret the weed
I don't regret that trip to the state fair
I don't regret the relentless pursuit
I don't regret the phone call
I don't regret the music, the art, or the writing
I don't regret the times people think I'm nuts
I don't regret business, marketing, or money
I don't regret any job I've ever had
I don't regret Junior High
I don't regret High School
I don't regret anything between or after
I don't regret making out in the park
I don't regret lying about what I was doing
I don't regret church
I don't regret not going to church
I don't regret having a mentor
I don't regret losing the same
I don't regret Live Oak
I don't regret Anaheim Hills
I don't regret the Queen Mary--or anything for the 2 weeks before
I don't regret Beach Blvd
I don't regret "the contract"
I don't regret everything but
I don't regret staying the night
I don't regret Billy Joel
I don't regret the walks on cold nights
I don't regret YRH
I don't regret September 11th (It's my birthday, nimwit)
I don't regret October 16th of 93
I don't regret November 16th of 94
I don't regret leaving you
I don't regret you leaving me
I don't regret being sensitive
I don't regret thinking "too much"
I don't regret losing touch
I don't regret finding each-other again
I don't regret telling the truth
I don't regret the things you know about me
I don't regret the things you don't know
I don't regret being lied to
I don't regret being misled
I don't regret yesterday, or today

It may be hard to understand
but I just don't regret where I am
And I don't regret any of the things
that led me to this place,
Which means everything above and more...

However I got here--whether through good or evil,
happiness or sadness,
anger, joy, love, or hate--I am glad I am here,
and I would never want to be
anywhere else.

Everything has made me who I am
And I can't regret it, not at all
Call me selfish, hate me even (you won't be the first)
But I am happy to be here and have
no regrets as to how I reached this place
No matter how bumpy the road

If I've loved you--good
I've you've loved me--great
I've we hate each other--perfect
If you never knew me--you did your part

Somehow, I regret nothing.

And I don't regret writing it down.

~wbv

Stranger In My Home

Did you hear that?
I heard something
Someone is here
Someone besides me
I'm looking around but I can't see...
THERE, there he is!
It's a man. There's a man in my home.
It's nobody I know
Just some stranger
There's a stranger in my home.
He's looking at me
I don't know what to do
Do I run and hide?
Do I stay and fight?

I just don't know.
So I turn away from the mirror
And leave the stranger
For another day.

Moving On

About a year and a half ago my wife and I moved back to our "home" from the state of California. We've moved a bunch of times in the last several years... from the Midwest to Southern California, and after moving several places in So-cal, on to Northern California. Then, somehow, I suppose because we started having kids, we ended up back "home" in the Midwest. I don't doubt that we'll move again. God willing, it will be within the next 5 to 10 years.

All this moving has taught us some things. One of them is, as the cliche goes, is that "distance makes the heart grow fonder. For myself, I'd need to adjust this saying for it to really work for me. I'd have to say something like "Distance makes the heart grow fonder ... but only after you have kids and you want them to see their grandparents." It was at that point that I really started missing "home".

I have realized now that while distance makes the heart grow fonder, moving home causes you to remember all the reasons why you left in the first place. For example, I hate the weather here at "home". It's miserable. It always has been and probably will be as long as I live. I do like the occasional storms I guess--but the rest of it just sucks.

There have been many many times in my life when I've had to "move on". I've had to let go of some ideal that I had, some dream of perfection that was never meant to be, and just leave. It seems my dreams of home have been shown for what they are: just dreams.

I've had to move on at various times in my life from friendships and relationships ... either because I chose to end a relationship or because I had no choice. It seems as if the same thing is happening yet again, in so many ways, and on so many levels. This is beyond geography now, I hope you understand. It is social but even more so personal, and even spiritual.

I think we'll be in the Midwest for a few more years, after which time we'll "move on"... even if only in an idealogical sense.

Abandoned

You said you were my friend
I thought you'd never leave
It seems as though your gone now
Though my mind still can't believe

I thought I'd have your friendship
Until the day I die
When I think about your absence
Tears come to my eyes

If only I could see you
And talk with you once more
Maybe we could find a way
To be just like before

Sometimes I sit and ask myself
How this ever came to be
But I just can't answer the question
Of why you abandoned m...

Oh wait, Never mind. I forgot.

I abandoned you.

Who Are You?

I waited patiently for you. I searched the horizon for signs of you. For the longest time I eagerly anticipated seeing you, but when I finally found you I was disillusioned at the first sight of you. My anticipation turned to angst. My eagerness to be held quickly became a longing to be free. I have spent many hours and days imagining how I would run to you. Now my only desire is to run away.

I can't sleep because of you. I am awake until morning, night after night. The sunrise that used to bring tender thoughts of you now brings the dull pain that is a sickening reminder of all that you once meant to me.

My health is failing. My mind has been weakened... a result of the wounds that you caused. The burning within me has been snuffed out by your lies. You stole my passion.

You infiltrated every part of my life. That's where your "power" seems to lie. You have so overtaken me that if I remove you there will likely be nothing left. "I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I built my life around you." (~Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac)

Because of this, I am not the person I thought I was. I deceived myself into thinking I was someone who I'm not. I am not who I thought I was, because you are not who I thought you were.

I am grappling for peace and will find it without your help. I will overcome the trials you've brought upon me. You will not destroy me.

I know that you are not who I thought you were. I really don't want to know who you are.

~brian vogt